nudge

I want to start this post out with an excerpt from a favorite blogger i follow...when she wrote this vulnerable and open post she mentioned thinking maybe one day someone would stumble upon it and "glean" something from it...comfort, encouragement, something from her putting herself out there and being open and vulnerable.  Well, Geri...I'm your girl.  As tears stained my face my eyes focused in on each word you had written and i felt, somehow, what you must have been feeling as you wrote it.  No, my life hasnt presented itself with the same hardships and trials as yours has, but my how life has presented situations that have had the outcome of the same fears, trembles, and emotions....im thankful for your precious words and open vulnerability for all of the world to see...it's a challenge to me to always remain that way in my writings, no matter what.  She will make you smile, laugh, and give you a good gut check from time to time...Check out her full blog here: http://www.meandhimblog.com/


"After some inner reflection I realized that even though things seem to be normalizing out for Jason's health and it looks like he's trending upward, life is still hard. And I might be a little bit broken. My brain doesn't feel the same. There is a portion in there that feels like it doesn't understand how to not be scared or worried or sad. It feels like I can't shed the wretchedness of our last year and start fresh and bright and bushy-tailed. It's possible you know—to have part of your brain feel happy and ok, and another, darker part feel tired and terrified and anxious. Trying to replace all of that fear with faith is a very hard part."

I love this. 

For more than one reason, i adore everything about this paragraph...

I guess it's time for a gut check, honest post from me?...maybe? Let's blow it wide open why not...

God is moving. and boy has He been moving over the past 7 years. He was moving in times when i felt like EVERYTHING was standing still, clouded by darkness and uncertainty.  It is now, in the after quakes of all that was, that I see His gentle hand guiding me along so sweetly when all i really deserved was a big ole smack right in the middle of the head...(catch my drift?)

In my job i so often hear about "trends"....we sit in conference rooms and discuss what is "trending upward" and what technology we need to jump on, as an agency, a company, a business, a group or team, to stay up to date with all that's going on out in the word. but sometimes...things trend in the opposite direction don't they?  and for whatever reason, for me anyway, most of the time....i cant quite figure out why...

Sure, there are moments when life trends downward...or perhaps a better way to say it is that a piece of life begins to nosedive and i think -- yep...saw THAT ONE coming from a mile away...right? but then there are other times when i wonder whats happened, where ive been and where im going...and im ashamed that not near enough do i fall to my knees and seek HIS counsel and wisdom when im lost in confusion and uncertainty over the downward turn

I appreciate the honesty in this. that even when life is BEAUTIFUL...there are still portions that, well...sorry mom this isnt a nice word but...there are portions that just SUCK. cut.and.dried. 

the key here, for me anyway, is to not let the uncertainties, the trials, cloudy your whole "day"...it's a piece....of a giant HUGE massive puzzle, and theres just no sense in ruining all of a good thing over one little piece...(unless that is, it's thanksgiving and you put bad butter in the mashed potatoes - then you just have to start all over) :) 

we all have history...we all have a past...and im not sure about each of you, but in the dialogues ive had today it seems like most of us have pieces of that "history" we wish like heck we could erase...dark pieces of life that even when our hearts are HAPPY, sneak up sometimes and bite us - making us vulnerable...

my life is fantastic...i have the best friends, the best family, and the most fantastic boyfriend i could have ever dreamed of...
but ill just be honest, there are pieces of my past that make me fearful, that make me anxious...that keep me, some days, from being all bright eyed and bushy tailed...

and i think thats ok

i think in those moments, we give God so much room to be glorified...we give Him room to show us, in so many ways, that He throws our transgressions into the bottom of the deepest ocean, and looses all sight and thought of it

and if HE is so graceful with our dark spots and mistakes------

why do we try to hold on to them so tightly?

"trying to replace all of that fear with faith is a very hard part..."

we all walk around with anxieties, fears...i carry some of my own, deep deep down in the pit of my stomach and spirit. fears that honestly PETRIFY me...stop me cold in my tracks if i let my mind simmer on them too long...and every one of them is, when i DO soak on them a while, a lack of faith on my part

WHACK...there He goes again

my latest spiritual revelation...

how shortsighted am i, to think, that anything...fear no matter how large...can keep God's will from being lived out in my life?

to give anything else...a person, a fear, a belief or non-belief, that kind of power - shows that sometimes i can be way too human...and sinful...and talk about a wake up call

Sure...we are give free will...right? We get the right to choose...but ultimately, as believers, if we are seeking Him daily - His will is going to be done - and not a single thing in this world or out of this world could ever stop it

is that powerful to anyone else but me?

ill be honest, in the shower last night when He began to speak and reveal...my mouth fell wide open - i love moments like that, in the silence...when somehow heaven and earth meet in the most perfect way and this magical spiritual thing happens and He transcends all that He is and steps into my sinful world and speaks to me...little.old.me.

im humbled this day at His word and His love for His children, for the least of these....me.

so now im in another process...that part of replacing fear, with faith...when real world literally meets spiritual revelation and crashes together and smacks you...and then you CHOOSE to have faith in what He has said, and done...and you follow His lead...

I have learned, the hard way most of the time, to cherish EACH stage of life.  I read some where the other day a story about someone who constantly rushed and rushed and rushed to the next stage of life, always pushing for more and more and more...and then at the end of their life looked back and thought - i didnt even take any time to appreciate where i was when i was there for being too busy worried about the next stage. 

im taking a stand, today...publically, i suppose...haha...that i will start enjoying each little moment.  each dance in the kitchen on a random Wednesday night.  each facetime call i get from my 6 year old niece to show me what she is watching on tv. each workout. each conversation. each.little.moment.

because i hate to be a downer, but we really never know if its the last one we are going to get....

thankful today for the way God smacks me, even when it hurts, what a beautiful thing to be called His child and know that at the end of it all, i'll be resting in the arms of the One who created me.

beautiful.