We've begun the endless task of cleaning and decluttering at the Scott House. Now, don't be confused, we have JUST begun this endeavor and I suspect with two little ones it will be quite some time before anyone but us sees ANY fruit of our labor. Tonight was spent dancing to loud music, handing off screaming babies back and forth, and beginning to make sense of the total chaotic mess that has become our home!
It's temporary. We rest in the reality that one day we will come home and everything will be right where it "goes" however that will also be the day that our home isn't filled with the constant laughter, wrestling, and intense chaos that we have grown to LOVE and EXPECT each and every day. My heart aches when I stop to think that one day my boys will leave home, go of to college, and leave me and dad here alone with the dogs. What on earth will we do with ourselves?! We already wonder what we did with all of our free time without the Scott boys...and I can't imagine what life will look like in another 18 years.
As I began cleaning and decluttering tonight I came across a journal I started right after I found out I was pregnant. Oh how I wish I had continued it! But the words on the pages were so powerful to me - they were such a REAL reminder of how faithful my God is and has always been to me in my life and in the lives of those around me. As I read I couldn't help it...I wept. The tears fell out of my eyes quicker than I expected and bled all over the pages of my journal. Emotions came flooding back. I remember the girl who wrote these words...I remember the raw excitement and fear over being a momma...a mother to ONE baby...before I ever knew of the twins, I remember how uncertain I was.
Those early days as a new mother are SO exciting but also so trying...in my experience no one ever really talks about those trying times. You are holding in the best kept secret you could ever imagine. It's better than any surprise party or gift you could dream of...you are holding on to the secret that the love between you and the one you chose to spend your life with - that that love created a PERSON. Somehow, in the miracle that is the human experience and existence, the love between a man and a woman creates another human whos heart beats within you.
And you are supposed to keep that quiet for TWELVE WEEKS!?!?!
As if the reality of being a parent isn't heavy enough you are now supposed to suffocate this secret for three whole months. Yall, this is pure insanity.
Now, I understand the reasoning. I know that life is oh so fragile as this stage and that loss can happen so quickly. I remember as I shared the news with my mother how she begged for me to keep quiet (and then the proud papa daddy spilled the beans all over Hazlehurst before I ever could! Gotta Love a proud granddaddy!!!) But my theory was then, and I guess will always be - but what if there is loss? I have a village. I am going to need that village in the life that Jesus allows to flourish or in the life that He chooses to take away. I am going to NEED my people - either way! To share in the celebration or in the grief. I firmly believe we weren't meant to carry our victories or struggles alone. Again, this is me. I haven't lost a tiny one inside of me and I have no doubt that my opinion over this matter could change in the blink of an eye when put in someone else's shoes - I am merely sharing where I am today, and where I was as a newly (VERY NEW, like...how on EARTH did that pregnancy test and the 16 after that show up positive...Oh yeah...TWINS!) pregnant momma...
Anyway, the joy in my writing ,the fear, the anxiety - well it touched my heart tonight and for whatever reason I wanted to share it. It has been Oh SO LONG since I have blogged and I feel certain this is something much longer than anyone will ever care to read but I felt a tug to share....and if nothing else if someone happens to this journal I'll forever have the digital words a new mother wrote pleading to God for the life of her baby and babies...I can't wait to share this with T and JW one day. Jesus, thank you for reminding me in my fragile human state just how very faithful you have always been to me and how that faithfulness continues today, amidst my weakness and insanity...You remain the same. PRAISE YOU!!!
So here it goes - my novel and weirdness of sharing these words from what now seems like a lifetime ago:
October 2, 2015:
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex!" Psalm 139
I'm going to be a momma! Words cannot express the utter joy and paralyzing fear I fee all at the same time! September 23, 2015 will be etched into my heart and mind all the days of my life. We weren't really trying but we were not putting any real obstacles in the way either and here YOU are my precious angel! The one I have lived 30 years without yet somehow already cannot imagine another moment existing without you in it.
Your daddy and I already love you more than you can ever even fathom. Each day we research the "science" of who you are and how you are growing and even as you are tinier than a tadpole -- we cherish you. We love you. We Love You! We are already so very proud of you! Your little heart begins beating this week - Can you believe how amazing God is?
You are 5 weeks - and the chambers of your beautiful heart are forming and beginning to beat! Oh how I pray for that little heart. I pray that Jesus would continue to craft it with HIS perfect hands in HIS perfect way! I pray that it will beat passionately for Him and His will for your life MY LOVE. I pray it would be filled with the desire for life and love - I must admit I selfishly pray you would have my heart - huge - shameless - and so passionate for ALL you believe in. I also BEG God to give you your daddy's heart for serving others (I'm not near as great as he is...but I promise I'm working on it)
You are So loved...I don't want you to go a single day without knowing that you are LOVED, CHERISHED and ALWAYS SO WANTED!
We are so excited - I cannot wait to hold you in my arms, my little miracle. I never knew I needed you until September 23, 2015 - now i don't know what we would do without you.
Love always,
MOM
October 3, 2015:
"This love, this love is the deep kind. You're my baby - You're my sunshine! I'll hold your hand, be your biggest fan...and I'll love you all of the time!"
Jesus must be preparing me to be a momma...about 3 hours of restless sleep. in the front yard with the dogs playing ball at 7:15 a.m. Fall has arrived in Mississippi...Cool temps, Wind brushing each leaf until it decides to dance to the ground. My favorite time of the year. I'm feeling FULL of gratitude this morning. How blessed am I?
To live in such a cute bungalow in the heart of a city on the brink of SO MUCH awesomeness - - to be married to my modern day prince, to have the love and support of an outstanding family -- two precious dogs (who can't wait to have a little brother or sister!)
I am learning to SLOW DOWN - enjoy the season - - enjoy this very moment. After a week of so much loss it's a gift to be able to be still and be reminded of all the GOOD in my life - - and the HOPE of lots of rainbows in my future.
October 10, 2015:
"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him. Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior's hands." Psalm 127:3-4
"You guided my conception and formed me in the womb. You clothed me with skin and flesh, and You knit my bones and sinews together. you gave me life and showed me Your unfailing love. MY LIFE WAS PRESERVED BY YOUR CARE!" Job 10:10-12
Jesus, this morning I come to You PLEADING at the foot of the cross for my BABIES - - Jesus, what a shock to see TWO little bundles of love on the ultrasound this week but only hear one definitive heartbeat. I am asking you today to preserve life, Father!
I am asking boldly that on Thursday we see two STRONG heartbeats!
I hear the doctors say it's way too early - -
I hear the sonograms lady say that lots of pregnancies start out as multiples - -
I hear the nurses say don't get your hopes up, it's probably not a twin pregnancy, we aren't going to note that on your chart yet...
But I BELIEVE this is a very specific gift to us STRAIGHT from YOUR HEART! I never would have imagined two but now I cannot imagine there not being two. Father, I ask for HEALTH for my two precious angels.
Jesus, please sustain them. Give them what THEY need to grow and become strong!
Jesus, please take EVERYTHING out of me and bless and grow these miracles. My hearts desire is to carry these twins, Jesus. Please strengthen them like only YOU CAN!
I praise You Father for the miracle of LIFE! To read about all that is going on inside of my body - nothing short of a miracle is happening! Jason and I are overwhelmed with gratitude Father.
You are a GOOD GOOD Father. We anxiously await the news on Thursday and believe in YOUR MIGHTY POWER! Please Father, SAVE BOTH MIRACLES!
----------------------------------------------------
And for those of you who know us...you know that Jesus answered my cries. I remember very vividly kneeling on our prayer bench we used in our wedding, grasping the sonogram pictures like my life depending on it, screaming and crying out to my Messiah to save Jack Willingham's life.
You see, they really didn't think he would make it.
Every medical professional who spoke to me over the course of a few weeks discouraged me from being hopeful that I was carrying multiples.
I went in SO early. My first sonogram...I was barely pregnant...but BOTH of my angels appeared on that very first sonogram.
I begged.
I cried.
I negotiated and bartered with the best of them.
For once you SEE two babies, they are YOURS and you want them both in your arms healthy and happy.
There was never a doubt in my mind that it was just too "early" or that it wasn't really a twin pregnancy...
I knew from the start that God had something outstanding in store for me and for my family.
Baby B -- the one who was weak, the one without the heartbeat, the one who would more than likely be "absorbed back into my body and I would never notice"....
He's my FEISTY baby. He's the one who keeps us ALL in stitches. He lived every single day in the womb kicking the crap out of his brother.
He is proving science wrong EVERY SINGLE DAY with EVERY SINGLE BREATH.
Yall, Jesus is the real deal.
He truly hears the cries of our heart!
He is so wrapped up and all about the tiniest details of our lives.
I so needed to run across this journal tonight.
I needed reminding that HE IS....
He is the same today.
He is the same tomorrow.
He was the same a thousand years ago and He will remain the same in another thousand years.
He is on His throne.
He is STILL working things for good.
If you are doubting tonight...
You are HIS child. Nothing you could ever DO or SAY would come close to prying you away from your inheritance with Him. He has called you by name and YOU ARE HIS. Don't let darkness steal that away from you. You belong to the Lord Most High.
He has GOOD PLANS for you. Let Go. Give it up. Give it to Him.
Is it scary? YES! Oh My Stars, let's have coffee or wine or dinner and talk about how scary it is.
Is it worth it? I would scream YES from the rooftop if I could find a way up there without waking the whole Scott crew!
His journey is wild - yall it's just CRAZY - but it is SO FULL of goodness and truth and life and JOY -- the most intense joy you could ever experience.
The world offers you joy?
Seriously, laugh it off. Because this world do not have a SINGLE THING on the joy that comes from the One who knit ever single detail about you together in your mother's womb.
Trust Him. Give it all over to Him.
You won't regret it.
JW is living proof that HE IS and always will be.
And if you need a tangible reminder, come play with my miracles. They are real, they are alive, and they are breathing BIG and laughing HUGE for the Kingdom guys.
Give Him the reigns today. Let loose and dance in His freedom.
Call me, I'd love to join you.
Resting in I AM,
AC
February 23, 2017
March 14, 2016
Oversharing
A pretty appropriate title for someone like me. I admit, on a regular basis, that I am an oversharer. I don't mean to be...I don't wake up in the morning and think about all of the things I can share with everyone in my path that day - it just happens, almost like it happens TO me instead of me providing any type of action to make it happen. This one thing about me has brought me more joy and more grief than I can begin to tell you. For you see, when one chooses to overshare, you open your world up to criticism, opinions of others, unsolicited feedback and nosiness.
I'm sure many of you reading this are shocked that I realize this.
But, I realize more about my nature to overshare than most would think. I'm aware that there are some who have probably decided to block me on facebook and instagram, sick of reading my day to day #bedrestramblings...but in the very same vein there are others who reach out when I'm not oversharing, who are following our life, our story, and want to know what's going on.
There are a few things I want to clear up about this piece of who I am:
I'm sure many of you reading this are shocked that I realize this.
But, I realize more about my nature to overshare than most would think. I'm aware that there are some who have probably decided to block me on facebook and instagram, sick of reading my day to day #bedrestramblings...but in the very same vein there are others who reach out when I'm not oversharing, who are following our life, our story, and want to know what's going on.
There are a few things I want to clear up about this piece of who I am:
- It's more of a calling than anyone realizes.
- Trust me, I know how crazy it is that I feel the need to share and share and share again what's going on with us personally, our struggles through our pregnancy, details of life that may not always seem like "need to know" things. Sometimes when a post strikes me, I am just as mesmerized as you might be by the desire I have to post it. I have found that in this season of rest, where Jesus has stopped me in my tracks and literally taken everything that was keeping me busy away, that this writing and sharing is part of what He has called me to...at least for this season. Does it make total sense to me? Absolutely not. Do I feel like a crazy person sometimes because of if? Absolutely. Am I going to continue doing what I'm doing as I feel led? WITHOUT QUESTION. Why wouldn't I? I have no idea the purpose or what this leads me to...but I know that He has never lead me astray, and that crazy journeys have always been a product of my walk with the Lord and I don't expect those to stop anytime soon.
- The criticism and judgement bothers me, but peace comes quicker than you would think:
- Along with the nature to overshare comes the nature of others to judge. Heck, it's my own human nature for other people in my world that I follow, like, read about, whatever...the moment you open yourself and your life up to the eyes of others is the moment you invite others in to judge and critique everything about you. I get a lot of this that's not behind my back but I'm aware that even more of it happens behind my back without my knowledge. I want you to know...that's okay. I have spent so much of my 31 years worrying about those whispers behind closed doors and I have finally been liberated (I know that sounds ridiculous) but when I finally accepted this as who I am, and that there's more to it than just throwing all of my personal information out there, more than I'm feeling LED to do so, along with that feeling of purpose came this overwhelming feeling of PEACE. So what if someone is rolling their eyes, so what if someone has a comment or two or a thousand to make...it's okay. You do your life and I'll do mine and somehow we will always find a way to exist in perfect harmony :)
- My calling to share is considered a vulnerability in many situations, that's a risk I'm willing to take for the greater good:
- There are things that I would probably still have a firm grasp on if I wasn't as raw and real as I am. If I didn't share about my personal struggles and fears, and just stopped being brutally honest about where I am in life...I would probably still be holding certain positions, still working on things, still somewhat be in control of a lot of things that have been taken from me. Jesus has spoken to my heart very specifically about this one thing over the weekend time and time again and what I realize now is this: if my weaknesses make me an accountability to you, your organization, project, whatever it may be - then I'm better off for being cut off from it. Why is this so? We can all walk around like we have it all together. We all juggle about one million balls at a time, some of us are of course, better than others, at concealing just how often we are dropping so many of those balls. If my decision to always be real about where I am makes me look less than able to complete tasks in your world - then I am better off for it being taken from me at the end of the day. It's sad though - really - because in my world, I would much rather be surrounded by people who can be real about where they are, what their weaknesses and fears are, so that as a friend or community I am able to walk in and help out - than be surrounded by a bunch of people who always put on a mask to make others think they have it all together to then later find out that behind closed doors they are completely crumbling.
I am a big believer in the practice of community yet it's something I don't see often around me. That's one of my very specific prayer request right now...that Jesus would somehow surround me and Jason with a community of believers to do life with. A community that we are able to be real about who we are, what we are struggling with, what's truly going on and share with them - and that they to would do so with us. I pray that in this community He would provide our boys a community that would do the same from an early age. It sounds like I'm praying for "friends" doesn't it? In a world where we all have a million "friends"...but that's not my prayer. I am praying for a village that we really do life with. In a season where you spend so much time by yourself it's hard to imagine a way for this community to come together - it's hard to imagine the day that this community will be gathered on your front porch laughing and sharing together - but it's something I know God has placed in the very center of my heart to pray and desire and I KNOW and BELIEVE that this is something He will provide in a way only He can.
That's all for today. I'll continue to be me, you continue to be you. Find freedom in being who YOU are. There's no shame at all in your quirks and desires. Jesus made you FULL just as you are, and that includes every funny thing you do and feel driven to continue to do. When He knit you together He smiled, knowing there would only be ONE of you, and knowing that He had a divine purpose and plan for JUST you than no one else in the world could complete for Him. Live fully into that calling, no matter what it is, and find JOY in knowing that He is a good Father and He loves you just as you are, right where you are.
---AC
Resting When We Least Expect It
It's been far too long since I've been the face behind a glowing screen and a keyboard. Way too long. My heart has ached to write for a while now but amidst the chaos that is just normal, everyday life, I haven't made time for one of my passions. I regret that. I've missed out on so much! I haven't documented some of the most precious times. But, I've been trying my best to live in the moment and log it all away in my brain. We'll see how those memories stand the test of time. :)
But, I'm back. After a long hiatus life has given me some unrequested free time and I feel that one of the best things I can do for my mind and my heart is to write - to document this season in the most real way. So, here I am. I make no plans to sugar coat anything, which I guess is just how I handle my writing generally, so this should come at no surprise.
I had a precious friend and mentor mention to me recently that maybe I didn't want to be so vocal about everything - while people love to read it, maybe it comes across as a vulnerability here or there - maybe it's best to be a bit more "censored"
I valued her comment because I respect the Godly woman she is and the council she has to offer me always, I really did meditate on what she said. I prayed over it. Am I putting too much out there? Am I too much of an open book? And while yes, it does show weakness, and that honesty can often times be turned into vulnerabilities that affect other opportunities in life, at the end of the day I feel as though when I begin to write someone else, Someone much Higher and Bigger than I am takes over, and the things I share come from Him. So in this moment I surrender this blog and all it entails to Him. In the season I am there are moments of tremendous highs but just as high as those mountains can be the valleys are equally raw and scary and filled with depression and despair. I feel it only right to share in both of these times. Whether life is sunny or rather when it is a thunderstorm outside...I will come here to share. Take it with you, if you like - or feel free to walk away. This has always been more for me, more for my sanity and relationship with my King than for anyone else.
So here goes nothing...what's been going on?
Today marks week 28 and day 4 of my pregnancy. J and I are expecting TWIN BOYS in May and our hearts are honestly filled with more joy than we knew was even possible! From the moment we found out about these babies we have been surprised, scared, and on a roller coaster - and let's just say that roller coaster has continued to dip, drop and flip OVER and OVER again for the past 28 weeks. We are thankful that where we are today we can celebrate two growing baby boys.
This season has presented something I was certain I would never experience...bedrest. At 22.5 weeks my body began preparing to bring Thompson and Jack Willingham into the world a BIT too early. My awesome doctor sent me to bed for a week to see if the issues would resolve themselves (shortening cervix, contractions, etc) and after a test run of bedrest it was decided that I needed to move to bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy in order to keep all three of us healthy. I went ahead and had two steroid shots over a couple of days to prepare the boys lungs for a pretty likely early arrival and I'm taking some medicine every four hours to help prevent my contractions from continuing and to help with the increasing pressure of carrying twins on my body. To say it has been CRAZY seems like an understatement.
The coolest part of this journey so far has been the community of believers that have chosen to follow this pregnancy, stand next to us, pray for us, bring us food and goodies all the time - just our village that loves us so well during this time. J and I are honestly humbled beyond belief at the outpouring of love and support for us and for our boys. Thompson and Jack Willingham have such a phenomenal FAMILY they are coming into -we couldn't be more excited to introduce them in no more than 9.5 weeks to the world and to all of those who have prayed over and supported us during this season. We have been amazed to watch Jesus work - yall, the way He takes care of His children from birth...even before any of us are even conceived...just amazing!
I guess that's all as far as my reintroduction to the blogging world. Plan to come here to write about my anxieties, my fears, my triumphs, and all that God is showing me during this season of rest.
Talk to you soon,
AC
But, I'm back. After a long hiatus life has given me some unrequested free time and I feel that one of the best things I can do for my mind and my heart is to write - to document this season in the most real way. So, here I am. I make no plans to sugar coat anything, which I guess is just how I handle my writing generally, so this should come at no surprise.
I had a precious friend and mentor mention to me recently that maybe I didn't want to be so vocal about everything - while people love to read it, maybe it comes across as a vulnerability here or there - maybe it's best to be a bit more "censored"
I valued her comment because I respect the Godly woman she is and the council she has to offer me always, I really did meditate on what she said. I prayed over it. Am I putting too much out there? Am I too much of an open book? And while yes, it does show weakness, and that honesty can often times be turned into vulnerabilities that affect other opportunities in life, at the end of the day I feel as though when I begin to write someone else, Someone much Higher and Bigger than I am takes over, and the things I share come from Him. So in this moment I surrender this blog and all it entails to Him. In the season I am there are moments of tremendous highs but just as high as those mountains can be the valleys are equally raw and scary and filled with depression and despair. I feel it only right to share in both of these times. Whether life is sunny or rather when it is a thunderstorm outside...I will come here to share. Take it with you, if you like - or feel free to walk away. This has always been more for me, more for my sanity and relationship with my King than for anyone else.
So here goes nothing...what's been going on?
Today marks week 28 and day 4 of my pregnancy. J and I are expecting TWIN BOYS in May and our hearts are honestly filled with more joy than we knew was even possible! From the moment we found out about these babies we have been surprised, scared, and on a roller coaster - and let's just say that roller coaster has continued to dip, drop and flip OVER and OVER again for the past 28 weeks. We are thankful that where we are today we can celebrate two growing baby boys.
This season has presented something I was certain I would never experience...bedrest. At 22.5 weeks my body began preparing to bring Thompson and Jack Willingham into the world a BIT too early. My awesome doctor sent me to bed for a week to see if the issues would resolve themselves (shortening cervix, contractions, etc) and after a test run of bedrest it was decided that I needed to move to bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy in order to keep all three of us healthy. I went ahead and had two steroid shots over a couple of days to prepare the boys lungs for a pretty likely early arrival and I'm taking some medicine every four hours to help prevent my contractions from continuing and to help with the increasing pressure of carrying twins on my body. To say it has been CRAZY seems like an understatement.
The coolest part of this journey so far has been the community of believers that have chosen to follow this pregnancy, stand next to us, pray for us, bring us food and goodies all the time - just our village that loves us so well during this time. J and I are honestly humbled beyond belief at the outpouring of love and support for us and for our boys. Thompson and Jack Willingham have such a phenomenal FAMILY they are coming into -we couldn't be more excited to introduce them in no more than 9.5 weeks to the world and to all of those who have prayed over and supported us during this season. We have been amazed to watch Jesus work - yall, the way He takes care of His children from birth...even before any of us are even conceived...just amazing!
I guess that's all as far as my reintroduction to the blogging world. Plan to come here to write about my anxieties, my fears, my triumphs, and all that God is showing me during this season of rest.
Talk to you soon,
AC
October 13, 2015
Faith
I grew up in church. Literally. I probably spent more time within the walls of our First Baptist Church than I did my own house. My sweet mother was over the kindgarten at our church and between going to school there and never missing a church event, well, let's just say I knew that place inside and out. I can remember always feeling safe there...as a young child knowing that it was a place I could always run to if I was lost or if something was wrong. See, my church was in the CENTER of our town - I could see it clearly from the front windows of my parents' business...I knew that if anything ever happened I could find rescue and safety there.
I had faith in the people within the walls of my church. Before I knew what faith even was, or really what God was all about beyond the stories I heard every Sunday morning and Wednesday night - I knew I trusted that place. From that early age Jesus began a work in me, I believe. And it's a work He continues to this day.
Fast forward 20 something years to where I am today. I still feel SAFE inside the walls of that building, and within the walls of the church I now call home. I trust the people I know there. I know in moments of trial or triumph - those very people are the ones who will celebrate with me and the ones who will grieve with me.
I have faith in the ones who are in that building.
How often do we walk through our lives and rest solely on the faith we have in "the ones in the building" and not the ONE who created everyone within the building?
How easy is it for me to allow my faith to fall into the hands of mere mortals and forget the faith I am called to have in my perfectly Heavenly Father?
Jesus has certainly been working within me on this one. BLIND FAITH. Faith is the complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
It's hard when things are out of our control. I am okay if I am in control of something, even if i mess it up I realize it is on ME - - and it's a major flaw of mine. Jesus is stretching me so much lately though and reminding me that I have to put every bit of my hope and trust and faith in Him. He is, after all, the author and perfector of my faith right?
I look back on that little child who grew up in the church and was there every time the doors were opened and I am drawn to her. I had no reality of danger - hopelessness - or the need to be rescued at that time but I still knew what a safe place was, and I knew my church was one of those places.
Now, as an adult, I know the reality of fear, loss, disappointment - things getting totally out of control - and i am reminded of the faith the younger version of myself had. I am challenged by that little girl to live out my faith, to really trust God not just in the rockin good times but even more so in the challenging. Even when it hurts, to praise Him.
I know I'll never be perfect on this side of eternity. I'll never have this faith thing downpat. My prayer for where I am TODAY is that God would continue to point me His direction and continue to remind me that the walls of a place or the people inside it are not be security - but HE is. My Creator, my Redeemer, my perfect Father above.
May He be glorified through all things and in all things forever and ever. Amen.
I had faith in the people within the walls of my church. Before I knew what faith even was, or really what God was all about beyond the stories I heard every Sunday morning and Wednesday night - I knew I trusted that place. From that early age Jesus began a work in me, I believe. And it's a work He continues to this day.
Fast forward 20 something years to where I am today. I still feel SAFE inside the walls of that building, and within the walls of the church I now call home. I trust the people I know there. I know in moments of trial or triumph - those very people are the ones who will celebrate with me and the ones who will grieve with me.
I have faith in the ones who are in that building.
How often do we walk through our lives and rest solely on the faith we have in "the ones in the building" and not the ONE who created everyone within the building?
How easy is it for me to allow my faith to fall into the hands of mere mortals and forget the faith I am called to have in my perfectly Heavenly Father?
Jesus has certainly been working within me on this one. BLIND FAITH. Faith is the complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
It's hard when things are out of our control. I am okay if I am in control of something, even if i mess it up I realize it is on ME - - and it's a major flaw of mine. Jesus is stretching me so much lately though and reminding me that I have to put every bit of my hope and trust and faith in Him. He is, after all, the author and perfector of my faith right?
I look back on that little child who grew up in the church and was there every time the doors were opened and I am drawn to her. I had no reality of danger - hopelessness - or the need to be rescued at that time but I still knew what a safe place was, and I knew my church was one of those places.
Now, as an adult, I know the reality of fear, loss, disappointment - things getting totally out of control - and i am reminded of the faith the younger version of myself had. I am challenged by that little girl to live out my faith, to really trust God not just in the rockin good times but even more so in the challenging. Even when it hurts, to praise Him.
I know I'll never be perfect on this side of eternity. I'll never have this faith thing downpat. My prayer for where I am TODAY is that God would continue to point me His direction and continue to remind me that the walls of a place or the people inside it are not be security - but HE is. My Creator, my Redeemer, my perfect Father above.
May He be glorified through all things and in all things forever and ever. Amen.
March 28, 2014
Whoops
It comes as no surprise to me that I commit to blogging every day during the season of Lent and I have not blogged in a SOLID WEEK. Wow. Hello humanity. Hello life. Hello ridiculous business. I hate that word but I'm pretty sure I've blogged about it before...busy gets in the way, busy takes over, busy consumes, busy distracts...I want to steer as far away from "busy" as I can -- but that is an entire lifestyle change for most of us, right?
On that same note - I have started to slowly try to rule out "busyness" in my life...little by little. Lately I have been extremely intentional about me time - time to reflect - time to just cuddle up and rest in His spirit and peace.
One of my most memorable times with the King was in college - throw back to Sophmore year on BSU Leadership retreat: we were all challenged to go outside (we were staying at this house out in the country on some land, GORGEOUS and wide open) find a place just to ourselves, take our Bible and our journal (no electronics) and spend 2 or 3 hours (i cant exactly remember) in solitude with our Maker. I remember when she challenged us with this thinking - there is NO way I can spend that much time in complete silence all alone - there is NO way - I will at least need some music!! But off we all went out on to the property to "claim our spots" -- I remember mine like yesterday, nestled beneath a gigantic oak tree, warm sun trickling through the branches and warming my skin - i opened my Bible, pretty much lost as to what to do next...I threw open the cover of my journal and simply began to write a prayer to God....before I knew it people were making their way back to the house - - I HAD SURVIVED! And I was thirsty for more, I didn't want this intimate time to end...
See, I think we sometimes get so busy that we don't even recognize the hunger within us. Kinda like this: have you ever had a chaotic day at the office...you bounce from meeting to meeting, deadline to deadline - answering calls, tending to needs - whatever your job may look like - and at the end of the day you sit down and realize you are STARVING!? Like physically famished because you have not had a drop of food all day, and those hunger pains begin to literally eat you alive!?
So take that feeling and apply it to your spiritual life -- we run run run - go go go - and when we finally stop to sit down and take in all that He is and all that He has for us, we immediately are in tune with how starving for His word and Spirit we are. That's how it works for me anyway.
So lately - it's all about new lifestyles around my house and in my life. Setting aside time to meet with Him, to really engage in what He has for me, intentional time in worship and prayer - and I feel great, I'm exhausted from the "to dos" of life, but the more I cut out the silly busyness the more alive and free I feel. Hallelujah!
J and I have also really jumped hard on the eat clean band wagon and can I just say how much better I feel? Cutting out all of the processed mess we used to eat, lean proteins, fresh veggies, lots of water - I feel more alert during the day, I have more energy, I even sleep better at night! It started out as a "wedding diet" of sorts but we both feel so much better that we are wanting to hold on to it and turn it into our lifestyle....now don't get me wrong, we still totally VEG OUT on things that aren't so clean from to time (one of those times being tonight...HEYO Double Date To Our Favorite Burger Place) but the cleaner we eat the better we feel.
I know it's not much today, but I knew I needed to jump back in and get into the rhythm of things once again - sorry for the sabbatical - it was good for my health though.
Happy Friday Friends :)
On that same note - I have started to slowly try to rule out "busyness" in my life...little by little. Lately I have been extremely intentional about me time - time to reflect - time to just cuddle up and rest in His spirit and peace.
One of my most memorable times with the King was in college - throw back to Sophmore year on BSU Leadership retreat: we were all challenged to go outside (we were staying at this house out in the country on some land, GORGEOUS and wide open) find a place just to ourselves, take our Bible and our journal (no electronics) and spend 2 or 3 hours (i cant exactly remember) in solitude with our Maker. I remember when she challenged us with this thinking - there is NO way I can spend that much time in complete silence all alone - there is NO way - I will at least need some music!! But off we all went out on to the property to "claim our spots" -- I remember mine like yesterday, nestled beneath a gigantic oak tree, warm sun trickling through the branches and warming my skin - i opened my Bible, pretty much lost as to what to do next...I threw open the cover of my journal and simply began to write a prayer to God....before I knew it people were making their way back to the house - - I HAD SURVIVED! And I was thirsty for more, I didn't want this intimate time to end...
See, I think we sometimes get so busy that we don't even recognize the hunger within us. Kinda like this: have you ever had a chaotic day at the office...you bounce from meeting to meeting, deadline to deadline - answering calls, tending to needs - whatever your job may look like - and at the end of the day you sit down and realize you are STARVING!? Like physically famished because you have not had a drop of food all day, and those hunger pains begin to literally eat you alive!?
So take that feeling and apply it to your spiritual life -- we run run run - go go go - and when we finally stop to sit down and take in all that He is and all that He has for us, we immediately are in tune with how starving for His word and Spirit we are. That's how it works for me anyway.
So lately - it's all about new lifestyles around my house and in my life. Setting aside time to meet with Him, to really engage in what He has for me, intentional time in worship and prayer - and I feel great, I'm exhausted from the "to dos" of life, but the more I cut out the silly busyness the more alive and free I feel. Hallelujah!
J and I have also really jumped hard on the eat clean band wagon and can I just say how much better I feel? Cutting out all of the processed mess we used to eat, lean proteins, fresh veggies, lots of water - I feel more alert during the day, I have more energy, I even sleep better at night! It started out as a "wedding diet" of sorts but we both feel so much better that we are wanting to hold on to it and turn it into our lifestyle....now don't get me wrong, we still totally VEG OUT on things that aren't so clean from to time (one of those times being tonight...HEYO Double Date To Our Favorite Burger Place) but the cleaner we eat the better we feel.
I know it's not much today, but I knew I needed to jump back in and get into the rhythm of things once again - sorry for the sabbatical - it was good for my health though.
Happy Friday Friends :)
March 21, 2014
Whispered Prayers
I know that scripture speaks about us coming BOLDLY before the throne:
"So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come BOLDLY to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most."
Hebrews 4:14-16
But for some reason...I still have trouble approaching His throne boldly sometimes...wondering if anyone else faces this as well. It's just the reality of my faith I guess...there are things I'm completely comfortable taking to my Father but then there are other things that I am embarrassed to take to Him, or ashamed of...even though I KNOW He knows all of it already, in my heart of hearts I believe this truth completely, it's still hard to utter the words.
The really awesome thing I have witnessed about my God is this - - even in the moments when you are afraid to whimper a prayer for whatever reason, He hears your heart and He steps in and takes care of you. Now granted, that may not look like how we would have Him take care of us, but He is always moving and always taking care of His children...praise God.
So, I will admit I have tried to avoid this post because to be honest, I'm a little embarrassed to admit I even felt this way - - but for two entire days now it has been on my heart and God has brought me back to this experience over and over and over again and so here I am after 10:30 on a Friday night writing about it because I know this is what He desires...may be for someone else to read, or it may simply be for me to air my own weakness and humanness to keep me humble and remind me that I am human, and I need Him every step of the way. No matter the reason, I'm here...and here is my amazing story of God hearing my heart even in moments when I'm too embarrassed to whimper or whisper a prayer to Him...
Wednesdays have quickly become one of my favorite days of the week -- see, this fall I started as a DGroup leader (see previous post) and God has been rocking my world in every way possible through these sixth grade girls. They teach me so much...they love so big..even on their wildest nights they bring me so much JOY - - I'm glad God placed them in my life, they are a treasure. We have been off for two weeks because of Ash Wednesday and Spring Break so this week was our week back and I was anticipating it all week...that is until Wednesday (cue the embarrassing part and the reason I DID NOT WANT TO SHARE this blog post) Wednesday morning I woke up exhausted...and it wasn't necessarily a physical exhaustion, more of just a mental and emotional exhaustion. I've been pushing myself really hard for a couple of months - - dieting, working out 5 or 6 times a week, staying up at night looking at wedding stuff, thinking about people to add to the guest list in the middle of the night, etc, etc...you get the picture right? And my thought is that everything just finally caught up with me. I text J several times Wednesday about how I just needed a day off (heck, I even blogged about it!) - - i needed some down time, some time to recharge...and to be just totally open and honest, I was really wishing I had another week off from DGroup. Now hear me say this...I desperately wanted and needed to see my girls. They rejuvenate my spirit in such a cool way. But I just needed some quiet (and at the time I felt selfish) me time. I was texting that morning with another DGroup leader whom I have become fantastic friends with (yet another perk of being a DGroup leader...developing amazing relationships with amazing women...Love how the Body of Christ works) and she, too, was feeling like I...wanting just one more week. We both felt guilty for wishing for this, for even thinking about it - - and had only talked to our significant others about the desire...See, I know that this is something Jesus has called me to...and so having a feeling of wanting to miss, well that just seems to be totally against what He has called me to. It feels REALLY selfish - - and so I walked around all day feeling extremely guilty.
I leave work and make my way home to let the girls out (furbabies) and feed them their dinner before leaving to head to the church...it's GORGEOUS outside, we are talking the most amazing day. BLUE SKY, WARM SUNSHINE, CHIRPING BIRDS...all of the things my soul has been anxiously awaiting - - and I'm outside carb loading (another confession, after not having many carbs at all for a month I downed the rest of the BBQ Baked Lays standing by my blooming tulips - - granted the bag was mostly broken pieces and crumbs but I devoured them...wowzers)
I walk back inside, rather sad that I have to leave the beauty outside to head to church (embarrassed more and more as I write) and I look down at my phone to see what time it is - - it's time to brush my teeth and head out - - and as I am walking back to my room to brush my teeth and head out my phone dings...
DGROUP CANCELED TONIGHT DUE TO A POWER OUTAGE
holysmokesHEwaslisteningtomeallalong
I'm not going to lie, I sobbed...tears began to fall and I walked back out into the sunshine and collapsed and began to pray and thank HIM for the break I had been pleading for but was too embarrassed to truly admit, or talk to Him about. HE HEARD MY HEART. He stepped in, I believe, and gave me the break I was desperately needing.
World rocked again by His love. He knows what we need better than WE know we need it doesn't He? How powerful. How assuring. How marvelous is He?!
and at this moment I am thankful also for the man God sent me...I was about to head out to my second Pure Barre class of the day since I wasn't headed to church and when I text him he graciously reminded me...saturated in love...that I needed to CHILL. That God had clearly heard my cry and He had provided for me and I needed to take advantage of it...and he was absolutely right, and i did just that.
I took in His beauty. I watched His birds. I enjoyed His breeze and sunshine. I talked to Him, I thanked Him for intervening on my behalf - - see, I believe He did this for me, He did this for my friend...for our hearts - - He knew we needed some time to recharge...and recharge we both did in very similar ways come to find out :) and I felt HIM in every single moment of that time I had.
And the amazing thing is I woke up the next day rejuvenated, a new bounce in my step, filled with Joy and reminded constantly of His provision.
I love how even when I am horrified by something I need...when I am embarrassed to whisper a prayer to Him....He hears my heart, and He provides...glorious day.
and now I am EVEN MORE READY for Wednesday to get here...I am missing my sweet hearts SO much and am dying to hear face to face about spring break and God's goodness and One Direction - - I have a new energy for THEM...I know that because I am recharged, I am better prepared to love on these precious souls - - cannot wait to get some face time with my favorite 6th graders in less than a week...it's going to be a good one.
So that's my attempt at vulnerability on the blog...I know it's probably a total mess of a post but it's my weak attempt at sharing how Jesus provides for us in our weakest moments in the most powerful way. He is able isn't He? How has He shown you that lately? I would love to hear about it.
Happy Weekending Everyone :)
"So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come BOLDLY to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most."
Hebrews 4:14-16
But for some reason...I still have trouble approaching His throne boldly sometimes...wondering if anyone else faces this as well. It's just the reality of my faith I guess...there are things I'm completely comfortable taking to my Father but then there are other things that I am embarrassed to take to Him, or ashamed of...even though I KNOW He knows all of it already, in my heart of hearts I believe this truth completely, it's still hard to utter the words.
The really awesome thing I have witnessed about my God is this - - even in the moments when you are afraid to whimper a prayer for whatever reason, He hears your heart and He steps in and takes care of you. Now granted, that may not look like how we would have Him take care of us, but He is always moving and always taking care of His children...praise God.
So, I will admit I have tried to avoid this post because to be honest, I'm a little embarrassed to admit I even felt this way - - but for two entire days now it has been on my heart and God has brought me back to this experience over and over and over again and so here I am after 10:30 on a Friday night writing about it because I know this is what He desires...may be for someone else to read, or it may simply be for me to air my own weakness and humanness to keep me humble and remind me that I am human, and I need Him every step of the way. No matter the reason, I'm here...and here is my amazing story of God hearing my heart even in moments when I'm too embarrassed to whimper or whisper a prayer to Him...
Wednesdays have quickly become one of my favorite days of the week -- see, this fall I started as a DGroup leader (see previous post) and God has been rocking my world in every way possible through these sixth grade girls. They teach me so much...they love so big..even on their wildest nights they bring me so much JOY - - I'm glad God placed them in my life, they are a treasure. We have been off for two weeks because of Ash Wednesday and Spring Break so this week was our week back and I was anticipating it all week...that is until Wednesday (cue the embarrassing part and the reason I DID NOT WANT TO SHARE this blog post) Wednesday morning I woke up exhausted...and it wasn't necessarily a physical exhaustion, more of just a mental and emotional exhaustion. I've been pushing myself really hard for a couple of months - - dieting, working out 5 or 6 times a week, staying up at night looking at wedding stuff, thinking about people to add to the guest list in the middle of the night, etc, etc...you get the picture right? And my thought is that everything just finally caught up with me. I text J several times Wednesday about how I just needed a day off (heck, I even blogged about it!) - - i needed some down time, some time to recharge...and to be just totally open and honest, I was really wishing I had another week off from DGroup. Now hear me say this...I desperately wanted and needed to see my girls. They rejuvenate my spirit in such a cool way. But I just needed some quiet (and at the time I felt selfish) me time. I was texting that morning with another DGroup leader whom I have become fantastic friends with (yet another perk of being a DGroup leader...developing amazing relationships with amazing women...Love how the Body of Christ works) and she, too, was feeling like I...wanting just one more week. We both felt guilty for wishing for this, for even thinking about it - - and had only talked to our significant others about the desire...See, I know that this is something Jesus has called me to...and so having a feeling of wanting to miss, well that just seems to be totally against what He has called me to. It feels REALLY selfish - - and so I walked around all day feeling extremely guilty.
I leave work and make my way home to let the girls out (furbabies) and feed them their dinner before leaving to head to the church...it's GORGEOUS outside, we are talking the most amazing day. BLUE SKY, WARM SUNSHINE, CHIRPING BIRDS...all of the things my soul has been anxiously awaiting - - and I'm outside carb loading (another confession, after not having many carbs at all for a month I downed the rest of the BBQ Baked Lays standing by my blooming tulips - - granted the bag was mostly broken pieces and crumbs but I devoured them...wowzers)
I walk back inside, rather sad that I have to leave the beauty outside to head to church (embarrassed more and more as I write) and I look down at my phone to see what time it is - - it's time to brush my teeth and head out - - and as I am walking back to my room to brush my teeth and head out my phone dings...
DGROUP CANCELED TONIGHT DUE TO A POWER OUTAGE
holysmokesHEwaslisteningtomeallalong
I'm not going to lie, I sobbed...tears began to fall and I walked back out into the sunshine and collapsed and began to pray and thank HIM for the break I had been pleading for but was too embarrassed to truly admit, or talk to Him about. HE HEARD MY HEART. He stepped in, I believe, and gave me the break I was desperately needing.
World rocked again by His love. He knows what we need better than WE know we need it doesn't He? How powerful. How assuring. How marvelous is He?!
and at this moment I am thankful also for the man God sent me...I was about to head out to my second Pure Barre class of the day since I wasn't headed to church and when I text him he graciously reminded me...saturated in love...that I needed to CHILL. That God had clearly heard my cry and He had provided for me and I needed to take advantage of it...and he was absolutely right, and i did just that.
I took in His beauty. I watched His birds. I enjoyed His breeze and sunshine. I talked to Him, I thanked Him for intervening on my behalf - - see, I believe He did this for me, He did this for my friend...for our hearts - - He knew we needed some time to recharge...and recharge we both did in very similar ways come to find out :) and I felt HIM in every single moment of that time I had.
And the amazing thing is I woke up the next day rejuvenated, a new bounce in my step, filled with Joy and reminded constantly of His provision.
I love how even when I am horrified by something I need...when I am embarrassed to whisper a prayer to Him....He hears my heart, and He provides...glorious day.
and now I am EVEN MORE READY for Wednesday to get here...I am missing my sweet hearts SO much and am dying to hear face to face about spring break and God's goodness and One Direction - - I have a new energy for THEM...I know that because I am recharged, I am better prepared to love on these precious souls - - cannot wait to get some face time with my favorite 6th graders in less than a week...it's going to be a good one.
So that's my attempt at vulnerability on the blog...I know it's probably a total mess of a post but it's my weak attempt at sharing how Jesus provides for us in our weakest moments in the most powerful way. He is able isn't He? How has He shown you that lately? I would love to hear about it.
Happy Weekending Everyone :)
March 20, 2014
Learning As I Go
I was scrolling through Instagram tonight and I came across the quote above that a friend had shared. It got me to thinking about how much I've grown in two years, and it was a reminder of how much growing I have to do. How often, when someone hurts us, slashes us on social media in a very passive aggressive way, steps behind our backs and says an untruth about us, doesn't give us a chance, etc... do we immediately think, "what can I do to get back at them?"
I know I lived my life that way for a while. Dealing out pain to others for pain caused. It's not a time I'm proud of, quite the opposite actually, I felt like if I could hurt someone BACK, the pain I felt would disappear. Funny thing is quite the opposite happened. When I would make an attempt to spit venom back in the face of someone who had spit it at me---I felt like crap. I had stooped to their level and allowed them to get a rise out of me. Their negativity, their lack of positive action, whatever the hurt may have been...brought out the negative in ME! I was no better than them in those moments.
As time has passed the scenarios of pain have not gone away, life continues to toss stones in one way or another and I'm challenged to gauge my response and patiently seek wisdom as to how I respond to pain. I get it wrong a lot more than I get it right...just ask J...but I know I'm making progress. It makes me sad to
see that some people haven't grown at all, some people remain stuck in the same negative rut, continuously spitting venom---the maturity tho is this--their lack of progress no longer saddens me or drives me to negativity. Quite the opposite. It makes me smile. And it makes me think about where they are coming from. Something inside THEM drives this negative attitude not something ABOUT ME.
We all bring different life experiences to the table. We all respond to life from the viewpoint of our own lense, filtered by whatever life has tossed our way. I'm now more prone to wonder what is really going on when someone is slashing my tires...bc way more often than not it's an internal battle they are fighting (realized or not) and nothing at all to do with me.
When Jesus challenges us to love our neighbor as ourselves, He put a rather difficult task before us. We love ourselves don't we? It's hard to live in this world and not have a me, me, me mindset. But Christ has called us to love others, even our enemies, as much as we love ourselves.
“Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” Jesus said to him, “‘ Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it: ‘ Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the law and the prophets depend on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:36-40 NET)
So not only does he challenge us with this, He sets it apart as one of the two greatest commandments. And when He challenged us with this do you think He thought it would be easy? No! We battle pride, the fall has thrown so much self recognition problems into our worlds and we battle the mememe! He knew this would be a struggle but He commanded it anyway from His believers.
We are broken people in a broken world. Venom is going to be spit...the task before us is to look different, to be in the world and not of it, and to respond with love rather than hate. We'd all be better people if we could wrap our brains around that. Thankful that in two years I've closed chapters and grown as a woman...praying others can realize there's more to life than negativity and do the same. :)
Love works.
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