Oversharing

A pretty appropriate title for someone like me. I admit, on a regular basis, that I am an oversharer. I don't mean to be...I don't wake up in the morning and think about all of the things I can share with everyone in my path that day - it just happens, almost like it happens TO me instead of me providing any type of action to make it happen. This one thing about me has brought me more joy and more grief than I can begin to tell you. For you see, when one chooses to overshare, you open your world up to criticism, opinions of others, unsolicited feedback and nosiness.

I'm sure many of you reading this are shocked that I realize this.

But, I realize more about my nature to overshare than most would think. I'm aware that there are some who have probably decided to block me on facebook and instagram, sick of reading my day to day #bedrestramblings...but in the very same vein there are others who reach out when I'm not oversharing, who are following our life, our story, and want to know what's going on.

There are a few things I want to clear up about this piece of who I am:

• It's more of a calling than anyone realizes. 
• Trust me, I know how crazy it is that I feel the need to share and share and share again what's going on with us personally, our struggles through our pregnancy, details of life that may not always seem like "need to know" things. Sometimes when a post strikes me, I am just as mesmerized as you might be by the desire I have to post it. I have found that in this season of rest, where Jesus has stopped me in my tracks and literally taken everything that was keeping me busy away, that this writing and sharing is part of what He has called me to...at least for this season. Does it make total sense to me? Absolutely not. Do I feel like a crazy person sometimes because of if? Absolutely. Am I going to continue doing what I'm doing as I feel led? WITHOUT QUESTION. Why wouldn't I? I have no idea the purpose or what this leads me to...but I know that He has never lead me astray, and that crazy journeys have always been a product of my walk with the Lord and I don't expect those to stop anytime soon. 
• The criticism and judgement bothers me, but peace comes quicker than you would think: 
• Along with the nature to overshare comes the nature of others to judge. Heck, it's my own human nature for other people in my world that I follow, like, read about, whatever...the moment you open yourself and your life up to the eyes of others is the moment you invite others in to judge and critique everything about you.  I get a lot of this that's not behind my back but I'm aware that even more of it happens behind my back without my knowledge. I want you to know...that's okay. I have spent so much of my 31 years worrying about those whispers behind closed doors and I have finally been liberated (I know that sounds ridiculous) but when I finally accepted this as who I am, and that there's more to it than just throwing all of my personal information out there, more than I'm feeling LED to do so, along with that feeling of purpose came this overwhelming feeling of PEACE. So what if someone is rolling their eyes, so what if someone has a comment or two or a thousand to make...it's okay. You do your life and I'll do mine and somehow we will always find a way to exist in perfect harmony :) 
• My calling to share is considered a vulnerability in many situations, that's a risk I'm willing to take for the greater good: 
• There are things that I would probably still have a firm grasp on if I wasn't as raw and real as I am. If I didn't share about my personal struggles and fears, and just stopped being brutally honest about where I am in life...I would probably still be holding certain positions, still working on things, still somewhat be in control of a lot of things that have been taken from me. Jesus has spoken to my heart very specifically about this one thing over the weekend time and time again and what I realize now is this: if my weaknesses make me an accountability to you, your organization, project, whatever it may be - then I'm better off for being cut off from it. Why is this so? We can all walk around like we have it all together. We all juggle about one million balls at a time, some of us are of course, better than others, at concealing just how often we are dropping so many of those balls. If my decision to always be real about where I am makes me look less than able to complete tasks in your world - then I am better off for it being taken from me at the end of the day. It's sad though - really - because in my world, I would much rather be surrounded by people who can be real about where they are, what their weaknesses and fears are, so that as a friend or community I am able to walk in and help out - than be surrounded by a bunch of people who always put on a mask to make others think they have it all together to then later find out that behind closed doors they are completely crumbling. 

I am a big believer in the practice of community yet it's something I don't see often around me.  That's one of my very specific prayer request right now...that Jesus would somehow surround me and Jason with a community of believers to do life with. A community that we are able to be real about who we are, what we are struggling with, what's truly going on and share with them - and that they to would do so with us. I pray that in this community He would provide our boys a community that would do the same from an early age. It sounds like I'm praying for "friends" doesn't it? In a world where we all have a million "friends"...but that's not my prayer. I am praying for a village that we really do life with. In a season where you spend so much time by yourself it's hard to imagine a way for this community to come together - it's hard to imagine the day that this community will be gathered on your front porch laughing and sharing together - but it's something I know God has placed in the very center of my heart to pray and desire and I KNOW and BELIEVE that this is something He will provide in a way only He can. 

That's all for today. I'll continue to be me, you continue to be you.  Find freedom in being who YOU are. There's no shame at all in your quirks and desires. Jesus made you FULL just as you are, and that includes every funny thing you do and feel driven to continue to do. When He knit you together He smiled, knowing there would only be ONE of you, and knowing that He had a divine purpose and plan for JUST you than no one else in the world could complete for Him.  Live fully into that calling, no matter what it is, and find JOY in knowing that He is a good Father and He loves you just as you are, right where you are. 

---AC