We've begun the endless task of cleaning and decluttering at the Scott House. Now, don't be confused, we have JUST begun this endeavor and I suspect with two little ones it will be quite some time before anyone but us sees ANY fruit of our labor. Tonight was spent dancing to loud music, handing off screaming babies back and forth, and beginning to make sense of the total chaotic mess that has become our home!
It's temporary. We rest in the reality that one day we will come home and everything will be right where it "goes" however that will also be the day that our home isn't filled with the constant laughter, wrestling, and intense chaos that we have grown to LOVE and EXPECT each and every day. My heart aches when I stop to think that one day my boys will leave home, go of to college, and leave me and dad here alone with the dogs. What on earth will we do with ourselves?! We already wonder what we did with all of our free time without the Scott boys...and I can't imagine what life will look like in another 18 years.
As I began cleaning and decluttering tonight I came across a journal I started right after I found out I was pregnant. Oh how I wish I had continued it! But the words on the pages were so powerful to me - they were such a REAL reminder of how faithful my God is and has always been to me in my life and in the lives of those around me. As I read I couldn't help it...I wept. The tears fell out of my eyes quicker than I expected and bled all over the pages of my journal. Emotions came flooding back. I remember the girl who wrote these words...I remember the raw excitement and fear over being a momma...a mother to ONE baby...before I ever knew of the twins, I remember how uncertain I was.
Those early days as a new mother are SO exciting but also so trying...in my experience no one ever really talks about those trying times. You are holding in the best kept secret you could ever imagine. It's better than any surprise party or gift you could dream of...you are holding on to the secret that the love between you and the one you chose to spend your life with - that that love created a PERSON. Somehow, in the miracle that is the human experience and existence, the love between a man and a woman creates another human whos heart beats within you.
And you are supposed to keep that quiet for TWELVE WEEKS!?!?!
As if the reality of being a parent isn't heavy enough you are now supposed to suffocate this secret for three whole months. Yall, this is pure insanity.
Now, I understand the reasoning. I know that life is oh so fragile as this stage and that loss can happen so quickly. I remember as I shared the news with my mother how she begged for me to keep quiet (and then the proud papa daddy spilled the beans all over Hazlehurst before I ever could! Gotta Love a proud granddaddy!!!) But my theory was then, and I guess will always be - but what if there is loss? I have a village. I am going to need that village in the life that Jesus allows to flourish or in the life that He chooses to take away. I am going to NEED my people - either way! To share in the celebration or in the grief. I firmly believe we weren't meant to carry our victories or struggles alone. Again, this is me. I haven't lost a tiny one inside of me and I have no doubt that my opinion over this matter could change in the blink of an eye when put in someone else's shoes - I am merely sharing where I am today, and where I was as a newly (VERY NEW, like...how on EARTH did that pregnancy test and the 16 after that show up positive...Oh yeah...TWINS!) pregnant momma...
Anyway, the joy in my writing ,the fear, the anxiety - well it touched my heart tonight and for whatever reason I wanted to share it. It has been Oh SO LONG since I have blogged and I feel certain this is something much longer than anyone will ever care to read but I felt a tug to share....and if nothing else if someone happens to this journal I'll forever have the digital words a new mother wrote pleading to God for the life of her baby and babies...I can't wait to share this with T and JW one day. Jesus, thank you for reminding me in my fragile human state just how very faithful you have always been to me and how that faithfulness continues today, amidst my weakness and insanity...You remain the same. PRAISE YOU!!!
So here it goes - my novel and weirdness of sharing these words from what now seems like a lifetime ago:
October 2, 2015:
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex!" Psalm 139
I'm going to be a momma! Words cannot express the utter joy and paralyzing fear I fee all at the same time! September 23, 2015 will be etched into my heart and mind all the days of my life. We weren't really trying but we were not putting any real obstacles in the way either and here YOU are my precious angel! The one I have lived 30 years without yet somehow already cannot imagine another moment existing without you in it.
Your daddy and I already love you more than you can ever even fathom. Each day we research the "science" of who you are and how you are growing and even as you are tinier than a tadpole -- we cherish you. We love you. We Love You! We are already so very proud of you! Your little heart begins beating this week - Can you believe how amazing God is?
You are 5 weeks - and the chambers of your beautiful heart are forming and beginning to beat! Oh how I pray for that little heart. I pray that Jesus would continue to craft it with HIS perfect hands in HIS perfect way! I pray that it will beat passionately for Him and His will for your life MY LOVE. I pray it would be filled with the desire for life and love - I must admit I selfishly pray you would have my heart - huge - shameless - and so passionate for ALL you believe in. I also BEG God to give you your daddy's heart for serving others (I'm not near as great as he is...but I promise I'm working on it)
You are So loved...I don't want you to go a single day without knowing that you are LOVED, CHERISHED and ALWAYS SO WANTED!
We are so excited - I cannot wait to hold you in my arms, my little miracle. I never knew I needed you until September 23, 2015 - now i don't know what we would do without you.
Love always,
MOM
October 3, 2015:
"This love, this love is the deep kind. You're my baby - You're my sunshine! I'll hold your hand, be your biggest fan...and I'll love you all of the time!"
Jesus must be preparing me to be a momma...about 3 hours of restless sleep. in the front yard with the dogs playing ball at 7:15 a.m. Fall has arrived in Mississippi...Cool temps, Wind brushing each leaf until it decides to dance to the ground. My favorite time of the year. I'm feeling FULL of gratitude this morning. How blessed am I?
To live in such a cute bungalow in the heart of a city on the brink of SO MUCH awesomeness - - to be married to my modern day prince, to have the love and support of an outstanding family -- two precious dogs (who can't wait to have a little brother or sister!)
I am learning to SLOW DOWN - enjoy the season - - enjoy this very moment. After a week of so much loss it's a gift to be able to be still and be reminded of all the GOOD in my life - - and the HOPE of lots of rainbows in my future.
October 10, 2015:
"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him. Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior's hands." Psalm 127:3-4
"You guided my conception and formed me in the womb. You clothed me with skin and flesh, and You knit my bones and sinews together. you gave me life and showed me Your unfailing love. MY LIFE WAS PRESERVED BY YOUR CARE!" Job 10:10-12
Jesus, this morning I come to You PLEADING at the foot of the cross for my BABIES - - Jesus, what a shock to see TWO little bundles of love on the ultrasound this week but only hear one definitive heartbeat. I am asking you today to preserve life, Father!
I am asking boldly that on Thursday we see two STRONG heartbeats!
I hear the doctors say it's way too early - -
I hear the sonograms lady say that lots of pregnancies start out as multiples - -
I hear the nurses say don't get your hopes up, it's probably not a twin pregnancy, we aren't going to note that on your chart yet...
But I BELIEVE this is a very specific gift to us STRAIGHT from YOUR HEART! I never would have imagined two but now I cannot imagine there not being two. Father, I ask for HEALTH for my two precious angels.
Jesus, please sustain them. Give them what THEY need to grow and become strong!
Jesus, please take EVERYTHING out of me and bless and grow these miracles. My hearts desire is to carry these twins, Jesus. Please strengthen them like only YOU CAN!
I praise You Father for the miracle of LIFE! To read about all that is going on inside of my body - nothing short of a miracle is happening! Jason and I are overwhelmed with gratitude Father.
You are a GOOD GOOD Father. We anxiously await the news on Thursday and believe in YOUR MIGHTY POWER! Please Father, SAVE BOTH MIRACLES!
----------------------------------------------------
And for those of you who know us...you know that Jesus answered my cries. I remember very vividly kneeling on our prayer bench we used in our wedding, grasping the sonogram pictures like my life depending on it, screaming and crying out to my Messiah to save Jack Willingham's life.
You see, they really didn't think he would make it.
Every medical professional who spoke to me over the course of a few weeks discouraged me from being hopeful that I was carrying multiples.
I went in SO early. My first sonogram...I was barely pregnant...but BOTH of my angels appeared on that very first sonogram.
I begged.
I cried.
I negotiated and bartered with the best of them.
For once you SEE two babies, they are YOURS and you want them both in your arms healthy and happy.
There was never a doubt in my mind that it was just too "early" or that it wasn't really a twin pregnancy...
I knew from the start that God had something outstanding in store for me and for my family.
Baby B -- the one who was weak, the one without the heartbeat, the one who would more than likely be "absorbed back into my body and I would never notice"....
He's my FEISTY baby. He's the one who keeps us ALL in stitches. He lived every single day in the womb kicking the crap out of his brother.
He is proving science wrong EVERY SINGLE DAY with EVERY SINGLE BREATH.
Yall, Jesus is the real deal.
He truly hears the cries of our heart!
He is so wrapped up and all about the tiniest details of our lives.
I so needed to run across this journal tonight.
I needed reminding that HE IS....
He is the same today.
He is the same tomorrow.
He was the same a thousand years ago and He will remain the same in another thousand years.
He is on His throne.
He is STILL working things for good.
If you are doubting tonight...
You are HIS child. Nothing you could ever DO or SAY would come close to prying you away from your inheritance with Him. He has called you by name and YOU ARE HIS. Don't let darkness steal that away from you. You belong to the Lord Most High.
He has GOOD PLANS for you. Let Go. Give it up. Give it to Him.
Is it scary? YES! Oh My Stars, let's have coffee or wine or dinner and talk about how scary it is.
Is it worth it? I would scream YES from the rooftop if I could find a way up there without waking the whole Scott crew!
His journey is wild - yall it's just CRAZY - but it is SO FULL of goodness and truth and life and JOY -- the most intense joy you could ever experience.
The world offers you joy?
Seriously, laugh it off. Because this world do not have a SINGLE THING on the joy that comes from the One who knit ever single detail about you together in your mother's womb.
Trust Him. Give it all over to Him.
You won't regret it.
JW is living proof that HE IS and always will be.
And if you need a tangible reminder, come play with my miracles. They are real, they are alive, and they are breathing BIG and laughing HUGE for the Kingdom guys.
Give Him the reigns today. Let loose and dance in His freedom.
Call me, I'd love to join you.
Resting in I AM,
AC
No comments:
Post a Comment