Whispered Prayers

I know that scripture speaks about us coming BOLDLY before the throne:

"So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come BOLDLY to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most."
Hebrews 4:14-16

But for some reason...I still have trouble approaching His throne boldly sometimes...wondering if anyone else faces this as well.  It's just the reality of my faith I guess...there are things I'm completely comfortable taking to my Father but then there are other things that I am embarrassed to take to Him, or ashamed of...even though I KNOW He knows all of it already, in my heart of hearts I believe this truth completely, it's still hard to utter the words.

The really awesome thing I have witnessed about my God is this - - even in the moments when you are afraid to whimper a prayer for whatever reason, He hears your heart and He steps in and takes care of you.  Now granted, that may not look like how we would have Him take care of us, but He is always moving and always taking care of His children...praise God.

So, I will admit I have tried to avoid this post because to be honest, I'm a little embarrassed to admit I even felt this way - - but for two entire days now it has been on my heart and God has brought me back to this experience over and over and over again and so here I am after 10:30 on a Friday night writing about it because I know this is what He desires...may be for someone else to read, or it may simply be for me to air my own weakness and humanness to keep me humble and remind me that I am human, and I need Him every step of the way.  No matter the reason, I'm here...and here is my amazing story of God hearing my heart even in moments when I'm too embarrassed to whimper or whisper a prayer to Him...

Wednesdays have quickly become one of my favorite days of the week -- see, this fall I started as a DGroup leader (see previous post) and God has been rocking my world in every way possible through these sixth grade girls.  They teach me so much...they love so big..even on their wildest nights they bring me so much JOY - - I'm glad God placed them in my life, they are a treasure. We have been off for two weeks because of Ash Wednesday and Spring Break so this week was our week back and I was anticipating it all week...that is until Wednesday (cue the embarrassing part and the reason I DID NOT WANT TO SHARE this blog post) Wednesday morning I woke up exhausted...and it wasn't necessarily a physical exhaustion, more of just a mental and emotional exhaustion.  I've been pushing myself really hard for a couple of months - - dieting, working out 5 or 6 times a week, staying up at night looking at wedding stuff, thinking about people to add to the guest list in the middle of the night, etc, etc...you get the picture right? And my thought is that everything just finally caught up with me.  I text J several times Wednesday about how I just needed a day off (heck, I even blogged about it!) - - i needed some down time, some time to recharge...and to be just totally open and honest, I was really wishing I had another week off from DGroup.  Now hear me say this...I desperately wanted and needed to see my girls.  They rejuvenate my spirit in such a cool way. But I just needed some quiet (and at the time I felt selfish) me time.  I was texting that morning with another DGroup leader whom I have become fantastic friends with (yet another perk of being a DGroup leader...developing amazing relationships with amazing women...Love how the Body of Christ works) and she, too, was feeling like I...wanting just one more week.  We both felt guilty for wishing for this, for even thinking about it - - and had only talked to our significant others about the desire...See, I know that this is something Jesus has called me to...and so having a feeling of wanting to miss, well that just seems to be totally against what He has called me to.  It feels REALLY selfish - - and so I walked around all day feeling extremely guilty.

I leave work and make my way home to let the girls out (furbabies) and feed them their dinner before leaving to head to the church...it's GORGEOUS outside, we are talking the most amazing day.  BLUE SKY, WARM SUNSHINE, CHIRPING BIRDS...all of the things my soul has been anxiously awaiting - - and I'm outside carb loading (another confession, after not having many carbs at all for a month I downed the rest of the BBQ Baked Lays standing by my blooming tulips - - granted the bag was mostly broken pieces and crumbs but I devoured them...wowzers)

I walk back inside, rather sad that I have to leave the beauty outside to head to church (embarrassed more and more as I write) and I look down at my phone to see what time it is - - it's time to brush my teeth and head out - - and as I am walking back to my room to brush my teeth and head out my phone dings...

DGROUP CANCELED TONIGHT DUE TO A POWER OUTAGE

holysmokesHEwaslisteningtomeallalong

I'm not going to lie, I sobbed...tears began to fall and I walked back out into the sunshine and collapsed and began to pray and thank HIM for the break I had been pleading for but was too embarrassed to truly admit, or talk to Him about.  HE HEARD MY HEART.  He stepped in, I believe, and gave me the break I was desperately needing.

World rocked again by His love. He knows what we need better than WE know we need it doesn't He?  How powerful. How assuring. How marvelous is He?!

and at this moment I am thankful also for the man God sent me...I was about to head out to my second Pure Barre class of the day since I wasn't headed to church and when I text him he graciously reminded me...saturated in love...that I needed to CHILL. That God had clearly heard my cry and He had provided for me and I needed to take advantage of it...and he was absolutely right, and i did just that.

I took in His beauty. I watched His birds. I enjoyed His breeze and sunshine. I talked to Him, I thanked Him for intervening on my behalf - - see, I believe He did this for me, He did this for my friend...for our hearts - - He knew we needed some time to recharge...and recharge we both did in very similar ways come to find out :)  and I felt HIM in every single moment of that time I had.

And the amazing thing is I woke up the next day rejuvenated, a new bounce in my step, filled with Joy and reminded constantly of His provision.

I love how even when I am horrified by something I need...when I am embarrassed to whisper a prayer to Him....He hears my heart, and He provides...glorious day.

and now I am EVEN MORE READY for Wednesday to get here...I am missing my sweet hearts SO much and am dying to hear face to face about spring break and God's goodness and One Direction - - I have a new energy for THEM...I know that because I am recharged, I am better prepared to love on these precious souls - - cannot wait to get some face time with my favorite 6th graders in less than a week...it's going to be a good one.

So that's my attempt at vulnerability on the blog...I know it's probably a total mess of a post but it's my weak attempt at sharing how Jesus provides for us in our weakest moments in the most powerful way.  He is able isn't He? How has He shown you that lately? I would love to hear about it.

Happy Weekending Everyone :)