One of my first memories of our church is someone talking about DGroups and my heart immediately tuned in, I knew immediately this was something I wanted to get plugged into - that it was something God wanted me to get plugged into - I had absolutely NO clue what a BLESSING this group would be and how much they would all minister to my heart on a regular basis. Awesome. Stuff.
So I have my 6th grade rockstars and two 10th grade student leaders that are unbelievable and we get to hang out on Wednesday nights for a while and just talk life, and Jesus, and One Direction (a new phenomenon to me, they teach me lots) :) and it's just good stuff. Not too terribly long ago we were talking about what makes you really come alive...if someone asked you what you really felt God had put you here to do, or given you a huge desire to do - what would that be...What, essentially, makes your heart beat?
That question has lingered on my mind since that night several weeks ago. I have spent quite a lot of time thinking on what that answer was for me - what I feel God has me here to do, what really gets my heart beating, what draws me nearer to Christ - and I must say, it's writing.
I can't remember a time when I didn't write - I began filling up notebooks and journals as early as I can remember...poetry, life, thoughts, opinions - it doesn't shock anyone who realy knows me to hear that I had strong opinions as a three year old! I can into this world with a passion for what I would believe (of course I had to develop opinions as I grew but I came out ready to rock and roll) I've always loved to share what my heart was, what my opinion might be on a controversial topic (thankfully I've learned to show more GRACE with age, and God still is teaching me a lot about times to speak and times to be silent...thank you Lord for how You constantly groom me...I need it!)
But I've always been a writer - and when I write I feel as though my heart has an inside outlet to the keyboard and things I don't think I really realized I was thinking or learning somehow come out on the page - - it's a pretty crazy thing. I had forgotten what a totally amazing thing it is for God to speak to me through my writing but can I just say that the past 2 days He has affirmed and affirmed and AFFIRMED over and over again that I NEED to write - that He has things to teach me and that He has given me this desire for a PURPOSE.
All that to say, the response to my post about J and his road to recovery has been...astounding. We have received more texts/facebook messages/emails/calls in the past two days than I ever imagined we would - so much LOVE and so much SUPPORT from people we know well and some we really don't know at all. Commitments from people to pray for us every day - confessions of people who have been praying for us for months and had no idea why - some who always thought that my outpour of love for J on social media was a farce until they read the post and heard my heart and confessed to me that now it all made sense. It's just been amazing. All of the doubts I had about sharing our story (even though J never had a doubt, he's been anxiously awaiting me finishing the 2 week in the making about our journey/story) every.single.doubt. VANISHED - God has affirmed, He continued to affirm this morning in church that this is something we need to talk about, something that He wants to use to further HIS kingdom - -
Again I say not because of ANYTHING WE HAVE DONE - this is not about me and J at all - and my prayer every single time I write about it is that whoever happens upon this blog would not hear me speaking/writing - but would hear what Jesus has done, and continues to do in my life, in J's life - in the lives of those around us. For it is certainly not by any strength J has that he has walked this journey - and it is absolutely NONE of my own strength that has allowed me to stand next to him - - it is all Jesus. Every.Single.Ounce.
And trust me - we continue to fail. We don't always get this loving eachother in Him thing correct and we both fail a lot more than not when it comes to living this Christian life -- it's hard isn't it? To really follow where HE leads us, to listen to His voice and to follow His commandments every single day. Makes me long for Heaven even more when I think about how much I have messed up, how much I mess up every day.
I don't love people well most of the time.
My thoughts aren't of Him more often than not.
Without just totally airing my dirty laundry right now I can say that I have believed the deceit of others one time too many and disappointed my entire family - disapointed myself - all the while believing I was following in His footsteps -
But He always blows those doors wide open for me
Praise GOD He always calls me back to Himself - He always has - and He always will - because the amazing truth I just cannot get enough of is even if it was ONLY me and my sin on this earth - He would have still given it ALL UP for me - all of my filth, all of my wrong steps, all of the doors i forced open that He had closed to protect me -- even knowing all o these things that I would do against Him - - He would have still given it up JUST FOR ME. The cross was for me. Holy.Smokes. What cool stuff right?
So I'm thankful that I know one specific thing that makes my heart come alive - something that draws me so near the throne of Christ - writing. I can't get enough of it. It's just awesome and I am grateful for the opportunity to write - even if no one ever reads it - it's for me, no one else.
Another post for another day but - I am simply LOVING our church and our sunday school class...I love how my mind has shifted over the past year from thinking that Sunday was the last day of the weekend to Sunday being the beginning of my week - starting it out in the Lord's house makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE in the world. Thankful always for a place to join with other believers and learn more about what He has done for us and what it looks like to live our life in a manner that glorifies Him. I always leave encouraged, challenged, and ready to surrender my life and pick up my cross daily.
You are So good.
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