Ephesians 3:20-21

*disclaimer: I have prayed over this post for months now and I feel led to share our story, God is continuing to write this story day by day, step by step, minute by minute. We know there are thousands upon thousands of lives touched by this issue and we feel led to share our journey to be a light for the King in the middle of darkness. While I have prayed over this post and feel led to write it I'm sure it will be anything but eloquent, it's just the guts of what we have lived through and are continuing to live through. We are always open to talk to anyone with similar stories or questions...We stand firmly on the truth that Our GOD Is Able to do immeasurably more than anything we could hope or imagine.*

A couple of weeks ago I shared a picture on instagram that read: "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always." I've always know this...but 8 months ago my perspective was changed in a way I cannot begin to explain. I realized that we ALL have something - our humanity and the fall of man has brought these "somethings" upon us...let us be kind and gracious to those around us for we never know their internal battle or what mountain they face every second of every day. Love matters. Love works.

I cannot remember the first time I heard the word "addiction"...growing up in a small sleepy little town, when people struggled with this word in their life it wasn't something that was broadcast across the city limits...it was kept quiet, whispered in secret if ever mentioned at all.  I guess the first time I really began to understand the word was in Junior High through some series our youth minister did on alcohol and drugs - I heard the word but it didn't directly affect me...it was something I knew about but never encountered.

The more I grew and the older I got the more I started noticing people around me that were falling prey to this word.  Maybe it was because I was more aware due to age or perhaps it had something to do with the changing of society and airing out our struggles in the open became more acceptable than taboo...people in our church, people I graduated from high school with, college friends, people that mattered to me all falling prey to addiction or having a family member or loved one falling prey to addiction. This time it hit a little closer to home because these were people I knew, people I loved, but it still wasn't as close to home as the Lord had planned for me in just a few years.

Fast forward to January 2012....My first date with the love of my life, my now Fiance, Jason. I can say with certainty it was THE BEST first date I had ever been on...days and weeks begin to pass and each date seems to be better than the last...He had a lot of baggage, but so did I.  We had both struggled with things that seemed pretty different at first glace but the deeper we got into the issues the more alike they became - - He, coming out of a divorce (an entirely different post all together), facing the reality of a word he never thought he would utter about himself. Feeling alone, abandoned, and damaged.  Me, facing the reality of the belief in one too many lies from someone's mouth, broken hearted, disappointed in myself and where I stood...we had made quite a journey to get to each other and we were keenly aware of this fact.  We both began to pray for what the Lord had in store for us, to guide us and give us wisdom.  See, J and I are both hopeless romantics, we simply LOVE love! And neither of us wanted to get sucked into the "puppy love phase" that we had been sucked into before - we wanted something real, and we believed our God would give this to us.

Weeks turned into months and we both began to open up and really delve deep into learning about each-other - learning about each-others past - what we wanted out of life - dream jobs - what makes you tick...you know all of those early on discoveries.  The more I got to know J and spend time with him the more I started noticing something a little disturbing...we loved to go someplace after work and order a glass of wine and talk (we still, over 2 years later, talk nonstop like we've just met even though we talk every single day...love this) or we would go to Burgers and Blues to watch a game and order a beer and have dinner...Time after time I noticed that J couldn't stop at one or two drinks - he pushed the limit almost every single time. Now, being older and having people I knew and loved face alcohol addiction...this concerned me. But to me, he didn't "look" like an alcoholic. Can anyone relate to this? Aren't we all groomed to believe that alcoholics have a certain look about them? In the movies they tend to not take care of themselves, they are angry people who abuse the men and women in their lives both physically and emotionally, they rarely can hold down a good full time job...it seems more often than not their personal hygiene is the least important thing.

Now - my J did not look ANYTHING like this at all --->
Sure, he would have one to many more often than not - but he would just get sleepy.  He not once got abusive with me, physically, emotionally or verbally....he never went nuts and ran through the neighborhood barefoot like I've known some others to do...He took care of himself, he worked harder than most people I know, he "looked" perfectly healthy....but when he would have too much to drink he would get quiet, his eyelids would get extremely heavy - and he would just zone out of a conversation all together.  For the life of me I couldn't pinpoint why he thought it necessary to be so incredibly rude when we were out with family or friends...little did I know that there was something much larger going on inside of him that had nothing to do with insincerity and everything to do with the bane of addiction. There was a storm that had been brewing for years that was slowly eating away at him from the inside out. This was a storm that I knew nothing about - a storm unknown to many - undisturbed by some who knew - a storm his family was aware of but no amount of calling out caused a change on his part.  It was something none of us could wrap our brains around and the more I learned about J the less I realized he knew about it too.

The drinking got worse - it went from a beer with dinner to three or four right after work, one after the other. Fun nights out with friends almost always ended up in an argument over alcohol..."why cant you just stop? you always push the limit, you always zone out after you've had one too many, it's rude...whats your problem" --> thinking back on those conversations today breaks my heart -- and while I realize I can't beat myself up, it's one of the struggles of addiction, he didn't see it, he couldn't stop it on his own, and he didn't need me barking up his tree...I had so much to learn and so did he.

July 2014 - I had simply learned to live with Jason's drinking, it wasn't necessarily hurting me - it just frustrated me - and i loved him so we continued to date and we just kept falling further in love.  I went to market with my sister and my mom and left him at home for about a week -- I noticed through phone conversations that he didn't really sound like himself, speech a little slurred too early in the evening, disconnected in an unusual way - but I just assumed he was missing me and things would be normal when I returned to Jackson...come to find out he had been drinking intensely while I had been gone, leaving work and grabbing beer or liquor - whatever, and drowning in it every night.  The day I got home he had been drinking at home alone for lunch -- and then drove to my house.  I could tell something wasn't right.  Called him to the carpet -- hello confrontation and intervention! Jason's drinking was worse than I realized...he was leaving my house at night, going home to fix several drinks just to allow him to sleep.  He had become totally dependent on this "drug" to soothe him...he couldn't celebrate anything without it....it was something so engrained into his every day life....over the course of several hours the night I returned from Atlanta thievery came to a head....Jason confessed that his drinking was much worse than anything I was seeing and he, in that very moment, admitted he had a major problem that he couldn't stop on his own...God was there, we prayed, we began to seek the face of the one who created J and knew at His creation that this would become a part of his story...and can I just stop and say that God has done and continues to do BIG things? In all of our mess and inability to hold it all together, He shows Himself. amazing.

July 14, 2014 Jason decided to go to treatment.

July 15, 2014 Jason was "diagnosed"

J is an alcoholic.

The word that had only partially entered my life in the past was now staring me in the face...the love of my life, the man I intended on marrying was an addict and there was nothing I could do to fix it or take it away from him.  It was something God was allowing him to walk through, He was writing Jason's story and chasing after his heart...the "diagnosis" was only the beginning of a rough journey in recovery and a beautiful story God continues to write today...

Tomorrow - March 15, 2014 - Jason will be 8 months sober! To some this may seem like not much but each day is significant, every 24 hours walked through and sober is an accomplishment for an addict. While walking next to J through treatment was hard, it taught me so much about myself - so much about codependency and how unhealthy that is - I was able to watch God take a man I already loved, and begin turning him into an even more beautiful creation right before my very eyes. It's interesting how even though our relationship was already good, standing with him during recovery pointed out so many things that could be better, and as he found confidence in who God created him to be...and began really learning about himself instead of numbing pain inside and preventing self discovery - he BLOSSOMED yall. That may sound cheesy but it started on the inside and worked its way out - the light of the Big Guy - J smiles different now, he talks about life differently, when he prays he sounds like he is talking to someone he really knows not just someone way up in the sky, he loves me better, he loves his family and my family better - he is all around a better man for taking the step to enter treatment and I watch God use him in awesome ways every single day.

I have talked to friends before who are in recovery and they have mentioned things like - I'm just damaged goods, I've made too many mistakes - and I feel like J's testimony and our story says this...God created you, He is perfect and He doesn't create JUNK, or things that have no worth...You are of IMMENSE worth to your KING, to Jesus Christ - He has a purpose and a plan for you, sobriety isn't something you accomplish on your own, one of the biggest parts and "steps" of AA is acknowledging a higher power, admitting you are helpless to your addiction and asking HIM to help you, to walk with you, to give you strength to make it 24 hours, one more hour, 5 more minutes - whatever you need, HE is there with open arms and more energy than you could ever drain to help you walk it out. 

 A verse that has meant a good bit to me during this process, and also to J is Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us" 

But the entire passage from 14-21 has so much power and meaning for us I wanted to share:

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have POWER, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus. 
Ephesians 3:14-20

We prayed early on that this would be different - that God would reign true and sovereign in our lives and our relationship. Of course we could never have known all that He had planned for our journey together but we see His hand in a real way constantly. Now, I would be lying if I said the journey is easy...This will be something that J faces for his entire life, and it's something that I will face for my entire life - but that is the cross Jesus has given us to bear, and because of it we are reminded - J I am sure more than I, of our weakness without HIM and our strength we have by tapping into His glory and strength.  It's because of WHO we serve that we walk the road we are on.  We believe whole heartedly that one reason this has become a part of our story is so that we would share it with others, that we would speak of all that God has done and continues to do, so that He could use J in the lives of other addicts just as other addicts have poured so much into J, that we would be open to the possibility of being a light in a dark world at all times and that all glory for these 8 months would be give to our Creator and Savior. 

We are blessed along this journey.  Even in the hard times we are encouraged by our families and loved on by our friends - And the really neat thing I have seen is that when we have an opportunity to share our story, more people than you would ever imagine can relate and have a similar story to share.  I am thankful for a community of believers in our church who have wrapped arms around us - I am thankful for one specific couple who has reached out to us, loved on us and prayed for us - as they walk this journey we are constantly inspired by how God using them day by day..

I'll end with one request: Would you pray for J? Would you pray for us? As we continue to seek how God will use our journey to further His kingdom and to shine light into darkness would you ask that He would give us guidance..that He would continue to draw us to Him and give us strength to endure temptations - that J would stand firm in his sobriety IN his Savior and that all we do would point to our King? We know that HE makes beauty from the ashes and I am in awe of all the blooms around us. 

If you read this far, thank you for hearing my heart - thank you for staying long enough to "hear" the whole story...we are always open to listen, J is always willing and ready to go to a meeting with you if you don't want to go alone...the first step is the hardest but with the Big Guy on your side, you certainly can't go wrong.


"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."
Isaiah 42: 16

Our GOD is able.